More Like With a Puff

wintermistStruck me today as I was walking that I haven’t started 2009 with a bang. This includes blogging. Any new readers that have come my way probably aren’t impressed with me at the moment.

My brain’s foggy, trying to wade through my priorities for 2009.

I just wrote seven rambling paragraphs and erased them because I don’t know what I’m feeling and what I meant to convey. In those seven paragraphs I admitted to desperation and disappointment and fear.

I suppose what’s really on my mind is this: I’m returning to my life as of summer 2007. That is, I’m back to technical writing to pay the bills (writing grant kaput) with no publishing contract in sight (literary agent kaput). And this feels like a sad, been-there-done-that, what’s-the-point way to start the new year.

One question intrudes even though I keep pushing it out of my mind in the quest for hope and optimism: Since I’m back to this, is this where I’ll always remain?

Answer: Hopefully not; it must not be; perish the thought. But funny how the question persists, buzzing at me like a pesky fly.

I’ve decided that for the New Year I’ve got to ease up on Lisa the Writer and get back to being Lisa the Whole Person. This will help, I think.

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8 thoughts on “More Like With a Puff

  1. It sounds like you are mourning a little. Good luck with finding your balance. I am also having to take on more work this year to pay the bills and I am mourning my writing time. Some things just must be. For me, it’s about finding sufficient energy to do it all.

  2. Lisa, you’re a wonderful whole person. Just keep being you.

    I’m sorry you’re feeling desperation and disappointment and fear. I just wish there was something I could do. Know I’m here… as are so many of your friends and readers. 2009 will have to be better, that’s my theory: it has to.

    This is not where you’ll always remain. I just can’t believe that about you.

  3. Charlotte, hi! I haven’t visited you in awhile, but that I will. It is about mourning the writing time, isn’t it? And I’m with you on finding sufficient energy — that’s something I always battle. As you say, some thing just must be.

    Hi Nova, thanks for the support, as ever! A fresh morning and I’m feeling philosophical about it all. You get your day-job and your writing accomplished — and that’s inspiration to me.

  4. oh, Lisa … the struggle with jobs and time is weighing heavier (and earlier in the year) on everyone. You are not alone. And that’s the strange comfort of it.

    And yes, we’re all here in this virtual yet no less sincere support of you as a writer. Because you are a writer.

    The world needs your writing and your stories. I’m serious.

  5. Grief is an interesting thing. And you’re grieving. I don’t think it’s just the loss of the writing time. But perhaps the time line you dreamed about when you received the grant. You stated that you don’t have a contract or an agent. When you received your writing grant, my guess is you hoped that this would not only give you time to write, but help you nail that contract and that agent and give you that writing life you’ve been longing for. Living for.

    Go ahead and grieve. And then dream again. It will happen. Time just has different paths for you at this moment and I have to believe those paths will make you a stronger writer and a stronger person. It’s a gift you can’t see because you haven’t been allowed to unwrap it yet. It will happen…I know it!

  6. Hey–you won two blogging awards! That’s something, isn’t it? And you are so, so loved. Don’t forget that!
    Actually, if I were ever nominated for a Pushcart, I’d sooo be resting on my laurels for a really long time. Gloating, gloating, and more gloating.

    –griz

  7. Hi Naomi, you’re right: It’s the loss of the dream for the moment. Thanks so much for your supportive comment.

    Grizzie: Thank you, friend! (Would you gloat, nah, not you!)

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