AUTHOR PHOTO 101 | 5 Reasons I’m Not a Model (Besides the Obvious)

contact_sheetLast month, I rallied myself and three dear friends for an author photo shoot. For weeks, I’d been dreading it yet looking forward to ticking the task off my to-do list. I engaged the girly-girl talents of K and C to do my hair and makeup.

One peek at myself with makeup on, and I couldn’t believe it. I looked damned good. I couldn’t help but lament my cluelessness all these years and vowed to start wearing a little eyeliner and mascara at the very least. Lesson learned: primer coats don’t only apply to house painting.

J, the photographer, sported a camera with a portrait lens about two feet long. Poor guy had to contend with 90-plus degree heat (the hottest weekend this year as luck would have it) and me jabbering and fooling around. We were lucky to get a good image before my makeup started melting.

By the end of the day, I discovered that even if I were 16 and a raging ectomorph, I could never be a model because:

1. I don’t take direction well. I don’t know how many times J told me to hold still and stop talking. The photo session brought out my inner six year old.

2. I goof off too much. Come to find out that I haven’t outgrown my tendency to ham it up. This, too, is a leftover from my girlhood. But hamming it up does not a good model make.

Now this is slouching!
Now this is slouching!

3. I don’t get makeup. After the primer coat, K put about five other layers of “naturalistic” makeup on me. She called her brush strokes “shading,” “contouring,” and good old “masking,” which was a nice way of saying hiding the purple shadows beneath my eyes. Don’t ask me what she did with eyeshadow. All I know it that my image in the mirror showed a woman with gynormous, popping-out-of-my-head blue eyes. Even the photographer said, “Whoa.”

4. I don’t slouch becomingly. When a model slouches, she may look like a contorted preying mantis, but she’s a bloody gorgeous, avant garde preying mantis. I just look like I’ve got scoliosis and no neck.

5. I refuse to take off my glasses. I like my glasses, but high fashion they are not.

Drum roll, please…Here’s the winning photo that will appear on my cover jacket!

Lisa_new_edit_color

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14 thoughts on “AUTHOR PHOTO 101 | 5 Reasons I’m Not a Model (Besides the Obvious)

  1. I am laughing so hard I have to leave for a moment and well you know…I am of that age. You have the most amazing smile and eyes…gorgeous lady.

    1. Christina! Have to say, I’m not sure what you mean by “block head syndrome” because you always look great in your photos. I’m sure J could be persuaded to do more author photos. 🙂

  2. Wow! Congrats on the book and on the picture. I liked the third one in the row too where you’re laughing, but I guess a laughing picture isn’t perhaps what a crime writer needs. And don’t take off your glasses, they’re just fine! (signed: a bespectacled reader)

    1. Hi Smithereens, proud bespectaclarian. 🙂

      Nice to see you here! Thanks for dropping by. The laughing picture are more “me,” but, yes, as a crime writer (nonhumor) I should probably show a little decorum…(though my author photo isn’t particularly moody either, is it?).

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